When I Worry

I received some important news last week. Although I ought to actually be deriving some relief from it, I have instead been worrying about things that I can’t control. You see, the issue for which I received this news was one of my big “what if’s.”

“What if Helena’s condition was my fault?”

“What if it was a virus I was exposed to at my job, or the time I fell on a street corner in San Antonio — or the medicine for headaches I was taking before I got pregnant?” In this case the answer to all of these questions is: No. It was none of these things. Case closed. Although I have already- in most of these cases- put these questions to rest in my mind, I am glad that I will never need to wonder about these questions again. The problem is that the news I got opened up a whole new set of problems (and worries) that are not under my control.

Back in the summer, Helena, Stuart and I had blood drawn for a genetic test called whole exome sequencing. Every person on the planet has some genetic mutations in their makeup – and many diseases and conditions that run in families can be predicted or found with this testing. We are trying to determine the best course of care for Helena based on scientific evidence. If a procedure would end up with a regression back due to the cause of her condition, it is not a procedure that is worth our consideration or money.

The results for this testing came back and revealed some potential genetic causes for her condition that come from both sides of our family.

Through the same genetic information there is also a potential for cardiomyopathy – so she has been referred to a cardiologist.

Stuart is generally in awe (and aggravated) at my capacity for worrying. I can have one of the most successful moments of my life, and the next day be worried about failure. I can have a happy, wonderful experience and simultaneously be worried that I am going to fail those I love. Part of it is natural to being a woman, I think. There are plenty of books to support this natural inclination being a part of womanhood. But part of it is also my natural desire to control things. Some things simply can’t be controlled. That is where worry takes hold in my life.

How much better my life would be if I stopped trying to control what I can’t by worry and stop for a moment to think about who it is that is actually in control! Instead – I jump right into worry, forgetting the things I have learned and experienced through the most painful moments of my life.

.

I took the information about our test results in stride, at first – but then got curious – so naturally, I started looking things up about potential conditions online. If there is one thing I have learned as a parent of special needs in the Internet Age is that more information from the internet does not usually mean less worry – but of course, I still wanted to look. So I jumped right on down the rabbit hole and cruised along the information highway for about 2 hours. And as expected – even then, I was still searching and more worried than before based on the results I found.

In order to stop my worrying, I then tried to keep myself busy, so I went to the gym. When I got back from the gym, I did chores and reorganized my laundry. At 11 p.m., I realized I had not made my casserole for the staff luncheon at my job the next day. So there I was at 11 p.m. cutting squash. Finally, it was 1 a.m. when I finished, so I crawled into bed, no less worried than before.

The next day, I found myself distracted and (duh!) tired. I made it through my day, which was a little longer due to meetings I attended. When I finally got home, exhausted, it occurred to me that I should pray about the situation.

Prayer is active faith. Prayer can be done in any circumstance, regardless of what the situation is and focuses the individual on The One who controls every aspect of the universe. Even if the outcome is not what a person might choose, God is in complete control and can bring good from it, so prayer brings the giver to a place of humility and acceptance of God’s plan and the role one may have in it. Prayer can bring peace and calm. Even when angry, wrong, or filled with fear, just verbalizing trust in God through a simple prayer can bring calm and peace.

It is so easy to forget the importance of taking time to sit and pray when life seems to be rushing around us. It seems like a waste of time to be still when there is so much to be concerned about. But in truth, just sitting in silence, offering up prayer is invaluable in this harried world we live in. And here I was, swept up in the doing, and I forgot to stop and just be still.

Our next follow up appointment is in December, followed by a cardiology appointment in January. One thing about raising a child with a disability is that there are always questions that need new answers.

So now that I have remembered who can control this situation, I will be praying…for God’s hand on the doctors we see; for wisdom on how to use the information we get; for renewed faith and for those little evidences that God sends from time to time that leave no doubt that He is listening and there for us; and for God’s ultimate good to be demonstrated through every situation.

Will you join me?